New Paths, New Hopes, Old Fears

Wow, two whole blogs in less than a week, I am breaking my own record, LOL...I am blogging today to get out the negative voices in my head panicking saying I can't do this...maybe, it won't be what's meant to be, AllahuAleim, but I am going to stick with this if I can, and try my hardest and work my butt off. I don't care if it means I don't go to bed at night till 1 or 2 am, or what not, I want this. I want to be a nurse insha'Allah. Yes, I started off the first year out of high school (oh my what a baby I was, LOOL!!), and went 1 year, my grades were so-so my first semester, and sadly some classes I failed my second semester, but the ones I have available now, 12 years later (OMG, really? that long??) have at least allowed me, insha'Allah, to be able to take up to 10 credit hours a semester, at night, after my husband gets, home so they aren't with a babysitter, my husband can watch them, and all be good. At this point, after talking to a counselor, she said I should be able to graduate from nursing program, with an RN degree, in 4 years. Now, that being said, I know how things can go; so far, the IUD looks good, but AllahuAleim that when Allah says BE, HE means BE, so if I get pregnant, then I finish the semester I am in, and try again in another couple of years. Same goes with my husband's application to Saudi Arabia; if he gets accepted at UmmAl'Qura, in Makka, then Alhamdulillah. My transcripts will be there when we get back, insha'Allah. But, my goal isn't to make a ton of money-hahahahahaha, looool......yeah, right. Nope, my plan, should I live that long or insha'Allah it will go as planned, I would like to graduate with my RN, go to work to pay off my massive substantial student loan, and go back in a few years after that, to get my midwifery degree. I figure that, insha'Allah, by that time, USA will have universal health care, and if they follow the path of Sweden (if they are smart, but hey, I'm not saying...:), then Midwives will be in mucho demand. Once they realize that C-sections are not good to jump to, that women's bodies (and I know this will come as a shocker, folks) are capable of childbirth, and have always been capable for millions of years, that childbirth is an empowering experience, and sometimes the recovery period is so so much different between the two, natural labor verses a c-section, then midwives will be back on the scene. Okay, so enough of my tangent, and I will descend from my soap box now :P. But its the voices inside my head that won't go away. The ones that say Im so stupid I am going to like going to school, but once it gets to the point where I am out on my own, I am going to mess up, going to screw it up, going to kill someone, authobi'Illah....it goes on and on. But, I want to help, I love love love the documentaries on TLC that make my dh want to gag, I am always interested in medicine and science, and what I want to do I feel I want to help people, I want to make a difference. And, yes, I want to be there for the Muslim community, be the advocate if they need it if they are at the hospital etc and need a Muslim there to help. I do plan on wearing hijab, and will just wear a long sleeve shirt under my scrubs, with an Al-Amira hijab, so it doesn't have loose ends, and tuck it in my shirt. Who knows, maybe I can even custom make it so they can come down to my knee or just above. I am full of hope, I just pray that hope comes to fruition....Insha'Allah.