Asalaaam ualaikum. Last night, I had a revelation. My children, eek, are all light sleepers! So, some disturbance had woken my youngest, Daniel, who is 1.5 years old masha'Allah. Actually, as I went in to tuck him in, I needed to change him anyway. So, he was half in and half out of sleep, all warm and snugly, and as I had just made wudu for my night prayers, (Isha, etc). So I changed him, and cuddled with him, and just accepted it. Yes, I had my own agenda, my own list of to-dos to be finished, never ending it seems as a mother to 4 and a wife to 1.
I just sat there, and cuddled him and accepted what was. He was all so warm and cuddly and smelled so good, masha'Allah. I thought of how many times, I have put in a movie or sat down with the kids, to open the laptop. Then, when they came to me, either 1)I had them sit beside me, or 2) when that wasn't good enough and they wanted to sit on my lap, sans computer, I got irritated with them. Well, hello, that was my job!?! Who am I to say or be irritated? They are the ones that need me, and only I can fill or not fill my place, my role in their life.
So, what was my revelation? Idk, exactly, other than its easier to just accept what is, instead of what I want, than I realize.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
New Paths, New Hopes, Old Fears
Wow, two whole blogs in less than a week, I am breaking my own record, LOL...I am blogging today to get out the negative voices in my head panicking saying I can't do this...maybe, it won't be what's meant to be, AllahuAleim, but I am going to stick with this if I can, and try my hardest and work my butt off. I don't care if it means I don't go to bed at night till 1 or 2 am, or what not, I want this. I want to be a nurse insha'Allah. Yes, I started off the first year out of high school (oh my what a baby I was, LOOL!!), and went 1 year, my grades were so-so my first semester, and sadly some classes I failed my second semester, but the ones I have available now, 12 years later (OMG, really? that long??) have at least allowed me, insha'Allah, to be able to take up to 10 credit hours a semester, at night, after my husband gets, home so they aren't with a babysitter, my husband can watch them, and all be good. At this point, after talking to a counselor, she said I should be able to graduate from nursing program, with an RN degree, in 4 years. Now, that being said, I know how things can go; so far, the IUD looks good, but AllahuAleim that when Allah says BE, HE means BE, so if I get pregnant, then I finish the semester I am in, and try again in another couple of years. Same goes with my husband's application to Saudi Arabia; if he gets accepted at UmmAl'Qura, in Makka, then Alhamdulillah. My transcripts will be there when we get back, insha'Allah. But, my goal isn't to make a ton of money-hahahahahaha, looool......yeah, right. Nope, my plan, should I live that long or insha'Allah it will go as planned, I would like to graduate with my RN, go to work to pay off my massive substantial student loan, and go back in a few years after that, to get my midwifery degree. I figure that, insha'Allah, by that time, USA will have universal health care, and if they follow the path of Sweden (if they are smart, but hey, I'm not saying...:), then Midwives will be in mucho demand. Once they realize that C-sections are not good to jump to, that women's bodies (and I know this will come as a shocker, folks) are capable of childbirth, and have always been capable for millions of years, that childbirth is an empowering experience, and sometimes the recovery period is so so much different between the two, natural labor verses a c-section, then midwives will be back on the scene. Okay, so enough of my tangent, and I will descend from my soap box now :P. But its the voices inside my head that won't go away. The ones that say Im so stupid I am going to like going to school, but once it gets to the point where I am out on my own, I am going to mess up, going to screw it up, going to kill someone, authobi'Illah....it goes on and on. But, I want to help, I love love love the documentaries on TLC that make my dh want to gag, I am always interested in medicine and science, and what I want to do I feel I want to help people, I want to make a difference. And, yes, I want to be there for the Muslim community, be the advocate if they need it if they are at the hospital etc and need a Muslim there to help. I do plan on wearing hijab, and will just wear a long sleeve shirt under my scrubs, with an Al-Amira hijab, so it doesn't have loose ends, and tuck it in my shirt. Who knows, maybe I can even custom make it so they can come down to my knee or just above. I am full of hope, I just pray that hope comes to fruition....Insha'Allah.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I picked the name, KhadijaWannabe, because, as a Muslimah, I never chose to change my name. I felt, that after all of the heart ached I had to suffer through, once again, with my parents, and my family, that changing my name, the name my parents gave me upon my birth, would just spit in their faces. I have had friends who tell me my name doesn't match my religion; okay, hold up!! I don't have a "bad" name, I have an American name-because that is who I am. I have revamped my total thought process, my home, my life and my family's life. That being said, Alhamdulillah, so much for the better, Allahu Akbar, Allah Be Praised!! But, there is only so much a person can change in a few years, and let's please remember, the Prophet, Salla Allahu Aleyhi Salaam, recited the Quran over 23 years, from the first ayahs to the final ayahs. And that's not a cop out, but merely, I am a stubborn headed person, who has to do things on her own terms and time frame for it to be sincere. And trust me when I say I am stubborn, especially what I have been through over my lifetime!!
But, I digress...I chose Khadija as the name I would chose if I had to have a "Muslim" name. Khadija (Radi Allahu Anha) was the first of the wives of the Prophet (Salla Allahu Aleyhi Salaam). I am, to this date, the first wife of my husband, lol :). Which is another blog post entirely. But honestly, yes I respect and revere and look up to all of the Wives and women around the Prophet (Salla Allahu Aleyhi Salaam), but, Khadija was the first. 1.) She was a business owner in the Jahiliyyah period when women were not much better than cattle (so this was an amazing feat alone). 2.)She was the first woman to convert to Islam, 3.) she loved her husband, and believed in her husband, always. 4.) Even before he was a prophet, he would go to Cave Hira and meditate (even before his first revelation), and she would climb the mountain to bring him food. She is just my hero.
Yes, I have my moments, when the kids are crazy and I am feeling even crazier, that I don't particularly want to go and get my husbands' food and meal ready before he goes to work and I have to get the kids up and about as well. And on and on. But, my husband works 80 hours a week for us, so I can stay with the kids. Alhamdulillah. So, it is my mission to improve my self so I can benefit my family even more. And, at this point, sometimes I don't feel as if I would even live up to my name, Khadija. But, one day insha'Allah.
But, I digress...I chose Khadija as the name I would chose if I had to have a "Muslim" name. Khadija (Radi Allahu Anha) was the first of the wives of the Prophet (Salla Allahu Aleyhi Salaam). I am, to this date, the first wife of my husband, lol :). Which is another blog post entirely. But honestly, yes I respect and revere and look up to all of the Wives and women around the Prophet (Salla Allahu Aleyhi Salaam), but, Khadija was the first. 1.) She was a business owner in the Jahiliyyah period when women were not much better than cattle (so this was an amazing feat alone). 2.)She was the first woman to convert to Islam, 3.) she loved her husband, and believed in her husband, always. 4.) Even before he was a prophet, he would go to Cave Hira and meditate (even before his first revelation), and she would climb the mountain to bring him food. She is just my hero.
Yes, I have my moments, when the kids are crazy and I am feeling even crazier, that I don't particularly want to go and get my husbands' food and meal ready before he goes to work and I have to get the kids up and about as well. And on and on. But, my husband works 80 hours a week for us, so I can stay with the kids. Alhamdulillah. So, it is my mission to improve my self so I can benefit my family even more. And, at this point, sometimes I don't feel as if I would even live up to my name, Khadija. But, one day insha'Allah.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
I am an overthinker. I can shut myself in at times and stew over ideas and thoughts until it seems that there are more thoughts than me. Now that being said, I am not impaired, I just need to distract myself and get out and do things from time to time to release that focus. Today I have found my focus, Alhamdulillah!! (All Praise to God)
I went on a hike today with my kids. By myself. I knew it was a day that would either have me inside finishing some knitting projects with the baby while my older (more mobile) children played outside in the crisp, golden October day. Instead, I decided to go out and do something with my kids-take a hike. Not knowing many hikes in the Blue Ridge Mountains other than the one I had known about, I decided to go on that anyway. So, I got everyone dressed and packed the diaper bag. Got my hubby to turn on the alarms so that he could be at work on time.
It was only a twenty five minute drive, but man, what a view!! We are litterally miles from God's Creation, which brings a peace to me simply from the view. But to be out there, in Allah's creation, smelling the smells, hearing every single thing, from the rocks and the trees to the tiny ants and the white and black wooly worms on the rock, brings such a dramatic solution of peace to my heart, to bring me back into focus of what really matters.
I took four kids, ranging from ages 10, 9, 4, and 19 months on an uphill hike. The entire way is uphill. I knew that it was not likely we would reach the summit this go round. We have hiked more and more since May, but they have all been "baby" trails accustomed to take a stroller. But, we made it more than half way there, and didn't have a stroller, just a sling, and at the bottom, two very tired arms. We stopped, we looked at nature, and spotted a white wooly worm on a mission. We talked to lots of doggies and other people. I am convinced that just as in life, sometimes we have to know when to say when, and know that we'll be back as long as God Wills it, Insha'Allah. When we are ready, we'll face that summit.
I went on a hike today with my kids. By myself. I knew it was a day that would either have me inside finishing some knitting projects with the baby while my older (more mobile) children played outside in the crisp, golden October day. Instead, I decided to go out and do something with my kids-take a hike. Not knowing many hikes in the Blue Ridge Mountains other than the one I had known about, I decided to go on that anyway. So, I got everyone dressed and packed the diaper bag. Got my hubby to turn on the alarms so that he could be at work on time.
It was only a twenty five minute drive, but man, what a view!! We are litterally miles from God's Creation, which brings a peace to me simply from the view. But to be out there, in Allah's creation, smelling the smells, hearing every single thing, from the rocks and the trees to the tiny ants and the white and black wooly worms on the rock, brings such a dramatic solution of peace to my heart, to bring me back into focus of what really matters.
I took four kids, ranging from ages 10, 9, 4, and 19 months on an uphill hike. The entire way is uphill. I knew that it was not likely we would reach the summit this go round. We have hiked more and more since May, but they have all been "baby" trails accustomed to take a stroller. But, we made it more than half way there, and didn't have a stroller, just a sling, and at the bottom, two very tired arms. We stopped, we looked at nature, and spotted a white wooly worm on a mission. We talked to lots of doggies and other people. I am convinced that just as in life, sometimes we have to know when to say when, and know that we'll be back as long as God Wills it, Insha'Allah. When we are ready, we'll face that summit.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Asalaam ualaikum warahmatullahee wabarakatu. I am Anne Bacheller, I have four children masha'Allah. I have one daughter, Adara who is almost 10, and three boys, alhamdulillah. My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years alhamdulillah, masha'Allah. My husband and I reverted over 5 years ago alhamdulillah, within 2 weeks of each other. I believe in natural living, natural cooking, (no preboxed meals, LOOL!). I knit, cloth diaper, bake, and love my laundry balls , love the Sals Suds, and Dr. Bronners Castille Soap. I believe we are responsible from Allah for what we are given and we must answer for that on the day of judgement for what we were given what we did with it and how thankful we were. I do not homeschool yet but am looking into it for my children.
Narrated by 'Abdullaah ibn 'Abbas:
"After Ismaa'eel's mother had died, Ibraheem came after Ismaa'eel's marriage in order to see his family that he had left before, but he did not find Ismaa'eel there. When he asked Ismaa'eel's wife about him, she replied, 'He has gone in search of our livelihood.'
Then he asked her about their way of living and their condition, and she replied, 'We are living in misery; we are living in hardship and destitution,' complaining to him. He said, 'When your husband returns, convey my salutation to him and tell him to change the threshold of the gate (of his house).'
When Ismaa'eel came, he seemed to have felt something unusual, so he asked his wife, 'Has anyone visited you?' She replied, 'Yes, an old man of so-and-so description came and asked me about you and I informed him, and he asked about our state of living, and I told him that we were living in a hardship and poverty.' On that Ismaa'eel said, 'Did he advise you anything?' She replied, 'Yes, he told me to convey his salutation to you and to tell you to change the threshold of your gate.' Ismaa'eel said, 'It was my father, and he has ordered me to divorce you. Go back to your family.'
So, Ismaa'eel divorced her and married another woman from among them (i.e. Jurhum).
Then Ibraheem stayed away from them for a period as long as Allaah wished and called on them again but did not find Ismaa'eel. So he came to Ismaa'eel's wife and asked her about Ismaa'eel. She said, 'He has gone in search of our livelihood.' Ibraheem asked her, 'How are you getting on?', asking her about their sustenance and living. She replied, 'We are prosperous and well-off (i.e. we have everything in abundance).' Then she thanked Allaah. Ibraheem said, 'What kind of food do you eat?' She said, 'Meat.' He said, 'What do you drink?' She said, 'Water.' He said, 'O Allaah! Bless their meat and water.'"
The Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam added, "At that time they did not have grain, and if they had grain, he would have also invoked Allaah to bless it."
The Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam added, "If somebody has only these two things as his sustenance, his health and disposition will be badly affected, unless he lives in Makkah."
The Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam added, "Then Ibraheem said to Ismaa'eel's wife, 'When your husband comes, give him my regards and tell him that he should firm the threshold of his gate.'
When Ismaa'eel came back, he asked his wife, 'Did anyone call on you?' She replied, 'Yes, a good-looking old man came to me.' And she praised him and added, 'He asked about you, and I informed him, and he asked about our livelihood and I told him that we were in a good condition.'
Ismaa'eel asked her, 'Did he give you any advice?' She said, 'Yes.' He told me to give his regards to you and ordered that you should keep firm the threshold of your gate.' On that Ismaa'eel said, 'It was my father, and you are the threshold (of the gate). He has ordered me to keep you.'"
~ Saheeh al-Bukhari
Bismillah ArRahman ArRaheem
The threshold in the above Saheeh ahadeeth, is in the regards to the woman. It is very important as Muslim women that we must look at our own attitude in regards to our husband and our family. Are we thankful, not only to Allah Subhana Wata'aala, but to our spouses, the ones on whom the responsibility it is to provide for us? Yes everything is handed down to us through Allah Subhana Wata'aala, however it is our husbands who go out working day to day. When was the last time we said thank you? When was the last time we appreciated our gift of our husbands and what they do for us? We sit at home and clean and cook and cuss them out because they never say thank you, they never pick up after themselves, they never spend time with us anymore...but when did we say thank you? Or Jazakallahukieron?
When was the last time we contemplated what it is they do, for who it is that they do it for, and what can we do to show them we love them? Yes, saying thank you is important but the real meaning is appreciation, and knowing the sacrifice that they make for us, and that it is their duty.
We need to contemplate our view on our marriage-are we positive? Or are we negative? Allah is the bes Provider, (Ar-Razzaq), and from Him alone do all things come. But when we stand there, with our husbands, are we thankful? Are we happy to have what we do have? Because, if Allah gives us everything, and our husbands who earned that money to provide for us, who are we to complain?
Our husbands for the most part, are good hard working men who just want to be loved. Isn't that what we want as well? It is said that “Marriage is half the Deen;” what then are we doing for our Deen? What can we do before coming to our zawjs (spouse, husband) with a laundry list of fix this and honey do thats?
One other thing we need to think about is when did we put our husband and marriage first? Above our children? No, I am not saying neglect our babies, authu bi'Illah...but we do need to put the needs of our marriage before other things at times, because this is the center part of our family, and the children need united parents to show them what an ummah really is. Do we read Quran with our zawj, or discuss Ahadeeth? Do we pray with our zawj? Do we encourage each other to make Sunnah prayers, or wake each other for the night prayers?
One thing I have noticed is when we argue, and there will be times when there are differences in even the best of marriages, that we don't see eye to eye, is that we do best when we stay to the task at hand instead of letting emotions get the best of us. He doesn't know what I want unless I tell him, and it is unfair of me to think he loves me enough to know what I am thinking. He'd do almost anything for me as long as I voice it and it is within reason. However, I cannot expect him to read my mind! Also we don't call each other names...said once in the heat of passion can never be unspoken, and we don't forget, unfortunately...though we may say we do. We try to say things like “This is how I feel...or that makes me feel...” and try to avoid things like “You never, or you always...” because this puts them on the defensive, and we stray from the matter at hand and coming to a reasonable agreement.
Sisters, I love each and every one of you. I want happy marriages for all of us. And I am speaking to myself before the rest of you. I have been married for almost 11 years alhamdulillah. And we go through ups and downs, and I want us to continually get stronger. If anything, I feel as if I have awakened after a long sleep, and am finally opening my eyes to see the man that is my husband standing before me. I feel as if I am falling in love with him all over again, but this time it is the selfless love that I have for my husband, the kind where I want to put his needs before mine, to love him, not just have him love me. I want to be that positive happy threshold insha'Allah!!
~~All praise is Allah's alone and all mistakes herein are mine.
"After Ismaa'eel's mother had died, Ibraheem came after Ismaa'eel's marriage in order to see his family that he had left before, but he did not find Ismaa'eel there. When he asked Ismaa'eel's wife about him, she replied, 'He has gone in search of our livelihood.'
Then he asked her about their way of living and their condition, and she replied, 'We are living in misery; we are living in hardship and destitution,' complaining to him. He said, 'When your husband returns, convey my salutation to him and tell him to change the threshold of the gate (of his house).'
When Ismaa'eel came, he seemed to have felt something unusual, so he asked his wife, 'Has anyone visited you?' She replied, 'Yes, an old man of so-and-so description came and asked me about you and I informed him, and he asked about our state of living, and I told him that we were living in a hardship and poverty.' On that Ismaa'eel said, 'Did he advise you anything?' She replied, 'Yes, he told me to convey his salutation to you and to tell you to change the threshold of your gate.' Ismaa'eel said, 'It was my father, and he has ordered me to divorce you. Go back to your family.'
So, Ismaa'eel divorced her and married another woman from among them (i.e. Jurhum).
Then Ibraheem stayed away from them for a period as long as Allaah wished and called on them again but did not find Ismaa'eel. So he came to Ismaa'eel's wife and asked her about Ismaa'eel. She said, 'He has gone in search of our livelihood.' Ibraheem asked her, 'How are you getting on?', asking her about their sustenance and living. She replied, 'We are prosperous and well-off (i.e. we have everything in abundance).' Then she thanked Allaah. Ibraheem said, 'What kind of food do you eat?' She said, 'Meat.' He said, 'What do you drink?' She said, 'Water.' He said, 'O Allaah! Bless their meat and water.'"
The Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam added, "At that time they did not have grain, and if they had grain, he would have also invoked Allaah to bless it."
The Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam added, "If somebody has only these two things as his sustenance, his health and disposition will be badly affected, unless he lives in Makkah."
The Prophet sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam added, "Then Ibraheem said to Ismaa'eel's wife, 'When your husband comes, give him my regards and tell him that he should firm the threshold of his gate.'
When Ismaa'eel came back, he asked his wife, 'Did anyone call on you?' She replied, 'Yes, a good-looking old man came to me.' And she praised him and added, 'He asked about you, and I informed him, and he asked about our livelihood and I told him that we were in a good condition.'
Ismaa'eel asked her, 'Did he give you any advice?' She said, 'Yes.' He told me to give his regards to you and ordered that you should keep firm the threshold of your gate.' On that Ismaa'eel said, 'It was my father, and you are the threshold (of the gate). He has ordered me to keep you.'"
~ Saheeh al-Bukhari
Bismillah ArRahman ArRaheem
The threshold in the above Saheeh ahadeeth, is in the regards to the woman. It is very important as Muslim women that we must look at our own attitude in regards to our husband and our family. Are we thankful, not only to Allah Subhana Wata'aala, but to our spouses, the ones on whom the responsibility it is to provide for us? Yes everything is handed down to us through Allah Subhana Wata'aala, however it is our husbands who go out working day to day. When was the last time we said thank you? When was the last time we appreciated our gift of our husbands and what they do for us? We sit at home and clean and cook and cuss them out because they never say thank you, they never pick up after themselves, they never spend time with us anymore...but when did we say thank you? Or Jazakallahukieron?
When was the last time we contemplated what it is they do, for who it is that they do it for, and what can we do to show them we love them? Yes, saying thank you is important but the real meaning is appreciation, and knowing the sacrifice that they make for us, and that it is their duty.
We need to contemplate our view on our marriage-are we positive? Or are we negative? Allah is the bes Provider, (Ar-Razzaq), and from Him alone do all things come. But when we stand there, with our husbands, are we thankful? Are we happy to have what we do have? Because, if Allah gives us everything, and our husbands who earned that money to provide for us, who are we to complain?
Our husbands for the most part, are good hard working men who just want to be loved. Isn't that what we want as well? It is said that “Marriage is half the Deen;” what then are we doing for our Deen? What can we do before coming to our zawjs (spouse, husband) with a laundry list of fix this and honey do thats?
One other thing we need to think about is when did we put our husband and marriage first? Above our children? No, I am not saying neglect our babies, authu bi'Illah...but we do need to put the needs of our marriage before other things at times, because this is the center part of our family, and the children need united parents to show them what an ummah really is. Do we read Quran with our zawj, or discuss Ahadeeth? Do we pray with our zawj? Do we encourage each other to make Sunnah prayers, or wake each other for the night prayers?
One thing I have noticed is when we argue, and there will be times when there are differences in even the best of marriages, that we don't see eye to eye, is that we do best when we stay to the task at hand instead of letting emotions get the best of us. He doesn't know what I want unless I tell him, and it is unfair of me to think he loves me enough to know what I am thinking. He'd do almost anything for me as long as I voice it and it is within reason. However, I cannot expect him to read my mind! Also we don't call each other names...said once in the heat of passion can never be unspoken, and we don't forget, unfortunately...though we may say we do. We try to say things like “This is how I feel...or that makes me feel...” and try to avoid things like “You never, or you always...” because this puts them on the defensive, and we stray from the matter at hand and coming to a reasonable agreement.
Sisters, I love each and every one of you. I want happy marriages for all of us. And I am speaking to myself before the rest of you. I have been married for almost 11 years alhamdulillah. And we go through ups and downs, and I want us to continually get stronger. If anything, I feel as if I have awakened after a long sleep, and am finally opening my eyes to see the man that is my husband standing before me. I feel as if I am falling in love with him all over again, but this time it is the selfless love that I have for my husband, the kind where I want to put his needs before mine, to love him, not just have him love me. I want to be that positive happy threshold insha'Allah!!
~~All praise is Allah's alone and all mistakes herein are mine.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
